Dear Roddy
by minn's.star
Summary: In which Gilbert semi-eloquently tries to express his feelings to an absent-lover. PruAus, T for language and buckets of angst.


Dear Roddy,

For the first time in forever that I thought of love, I no longer thought of the crushing anguish that comes with it- I thought of you.

Dammit I sound like a chick right now but look, hear me out. You like this kind of girly shit anyway, don't you? Anyway, I was the single artist, down on his luck, and you were the writer, the composer, mysterious maybe but with some irresistible pull that hell, even I couldn't resist. I've been through the mill and back, schatz, but somehow you made me let down my guard and fall, hard, just like a kid all over again. And dammit it hurt, but having you there was so good for once I didn't question it.

The day you told me your feelings, my face lit up like it hadn't since it was fucking Christmas morning and I was six years old all over again. I never expected it to be you that acknowledged that elephant in the room, but I was so fucking elated that it was. You made me feel like, for the first time in forever, I was worth something- I was worth your love. Yeah, more pansy speak. Whatever. You speak that shit.

It was bliss. I laughed like I hadn't been able to laugh in forever, and hell when I was able to get a laugh out of you it was gorgeous. You have a beautiful laugh, schatz, and when you smile you look fucking gorgeous- even when you don't smile you're beautiful. Hell, I can't even cover that up. It's just the truth.

We planned our future together. We talked about moving in together, all of those god-damn fantasies that should have sounded stupid but made me so fucking happy to think that you would be _mein_ and I got to keep you. The sad part is, they weren't fantasies to me. I always thought they would be reality.

And then you went and shattered it.

Maybe I wasn't there enough. Maybe I was too this or that, or not enough a man for you or some shit like that, but for fuck's sake the night you told me you had to go was the first time I had felt so much pain in- fuck. Fucking forever. At least the last relationships I had I known they were dying- at least I didn't let them into my heart. At least I didn't have to be honest.

Shut up you god-damn pansy these smears are not because I'm-

Fucking hell Roddy! Schatz, libeling, engel, _why?_ Why the fuck did you go and do that to me? You wanted to spare me? You thought I was the pansy who couldn't handle it, whatever you thought it was, the distance the broken the fucking whatever you were thinking? Even after I told you I could? Even after I told you that the only way you could fucking hurt me was fucking doing _this_? If you wanted to hurt me than congratulations, you did! You hurt the not so fucking awesome me. Because you know what, Roddy? You know what? I'm not awesome. I fucking know. I'll let you in on a secret, I've always known.

I think you broke whatever heart I had left, the same one that you helped rebuild. That was fucking cruel Roddy, you know. And even though I couldn't offer you a whole heart to break, because fuck I haven't been whole in a long time and you just took away more, I can offer you whatever I had left. I can offer you the ribcage that surrounds the fragments, I can let you listen to it crack and snap from where you kicked me in the only place left that it hurts, I can let you watch me bruise, and I can let you watch me crash and burn, all over again- this time because of you, be honored.

Be fucking honored, not many people are awesome enough for me to let in at the risk of this fucking happening.

This is bound to keep hurting me still,

Gil.

* * *

_You promised not to shut me out, and all I wanted at that moment that you did was to be with you._

__Author's Note: Hey guys, venting through characters is for cool kids, also known as losers who can't seem to do much else. Choke will be updated soon, but this shit needed to come out. I am not a fully functioning human right now.

Reviews are cool. Take my mind off of things for a second or two, if you will.


End file.
